“Hey, how we doing tonight? . . . Feelin’ good? Me, too.
How many dumb people do we have here tonight? . . . Wow, that many? See, the fact that you raised your hand proves that you’re dumb. I love dumb people, because without them who would raise their hand? . . . The reason I ask is cuz I’m gonna be using words—really good words—and a lotta dumb people just sit and stare in amazement, wishing they had a dictionary. Hey, you ever realized that the word “dictionary” has the word “dick” in it? A lotta people don’t even realize that. The dictionary people love me because I use a lot of their words. It’s free promotion for them.
I see a lotta hot women in the audience. I can’t tell if the guys are hot because I can’t see their asses . . . because they’re sitting on ’em. You can’t see a guy’s ass when he’s sitting on it. And you can’t interpret a guy’s ass from his face. Unless he’s James Talarico. He’s probably got a small ass, cuz he’s got a small face. . . . Wow, that’s very kind of you. Thank you.
I had lunch at Mar-a-Lago the other day. It’s like the Cheesecake Factory but more expensive. I get my lunch free, but my lunch friends had to take out loans. They came in rich and left in bankruptcy. And they’re all sad, and I say, “Hey, if I can do it, you can do it.” And it perks them up, because they think my bankruptcies are the best bankruptcies. They come to Mar-a-Lago in a limo, and they leave in a three-wheeled Volkswagen.
But one day I’m at Mar-a-Lago, and I’m having lunch with this Big Tech guy, and I say, “Pass the salt.” And he says, “Pardon me?” So I did.
How many people out there have a free plane from the Qataris? None? Where’d this audience come from, the Ukraine? . . . Thank you! . . . Man, you gotta get a free plane. A plane is not something you can save up for, especially if you have lunch at Mar-a-Lago. One guy wanted dessert the other day and couldn’t pay, so I took his watch. It’s a beautiful timepiece. You know that word, “timepiece”? Lotta people don’t. They just say “clock” or “watch.” But I love “timepiece.” The dictionary people love me for using “timepiece.”
How many of you have bachelor’s degrees? I got a bachelor’s degree. Well, two. One from the University of Pennsylvania, and the other from women I dated. The women kept begging me to take it, saying, “You’re the greatest bachelor.” When you’re President, you can’t date anymore. Too many eyeballs on you. Hey, you realize the word “eyeballs” has the word “balls” in it?
O.K., lotta other acts coming up here. You’ll see them and think, Bring back the other guy. And maybe give me a like on Insta. I like likes. Ever think of that? You can like a like? Ha! Like a like. Remember, I’m the guy who said that.
People say to me, “You’re a great standup! Why don’t you quit being the President so you can do it full time?” Well, I would, but I like the money. . . . Thank you. ♦
